That One Girl's Blog

The richer you are, the more stuff you get for free.

2007-01-18T08:37:00.000-08:00

I received a photo radar ticket in the mail here at work. I didn't recognize the person driving the car so I had to do a little detective work. The result was pretty depressing. It was the son-in-law of the millionnaire who drives the car. It's an expensive car, given free to this particular executive. All expenses including gas, car washes and maintenance are paid by the company. With all those freebies, you'd think he'd fork over the cash to pay the ticket. Not so. It was paid by the company.

And then there's me. I'm not a millionnaire. I could use the hand outs way more than this guy. But does anyone give me a brand new free car and then pay for all my gas and maintenance? Nope.

All I can say is, three cheers for Ed Norton for taking away the free $50,000 goody bags given to all the already rich and famous at the Academy Awards. I may be a capitalist, but I don't have to like it when people give free stuff only to those who can afford to buy it themselves.

I'm going to start talking in third person.

2006-12-28T15:15:00.000-08:00

The very large and important responsibility of keeping the RSVP list for our company holiday party has been given to me. With this weighty responsibility comes receiving many emails from company employees RSVPing for the party.

Today, I received one that read as follows:

I just wanted to make an update to the recent RSVP that we had sent. In case you need to know guests last names, Harold's last name is Rogers. He will be escorting Kim Anders to the party .

Thank you,
Kim Anders

*Names have been changed to prevent me from getting into any trouble at work.

Pizza Wars

2006-12-28T12:09:00.000-08:00

There are 2 guys here at work - you know them. They're young, bachelor, party-going types with big egos. Ambitious, smug, with a tendency to patronize. Sometimes they order pizza. They don't ask anyone if they'd like to be in on the order.

There are a bunch of other people here at work. Whenever any of them orders lunch, they send around a menu to see if anyone else wants anything.

Then one day there was a meeting. Most of us attended, but not the 2 pizza guys. It was a lunch meeting so we ordered pizza for it. There was a lot left over, but due to the non-sharing that had occurred many a time in the past, we quietly tucked it away in the fridge without telling them. They asked a couple of people if there had been any leftover pizza, and these people lied and said no.

The next day when it became obvious that there had indeed been leftover pizza since everyone was eating it for lunch, they were not happy.

Today there was a reckoning. The pizza guys ordered pizza, just like they have so often in the past. However, today was different. One of them came around and asked everyone if they'd like some and collected their money. The skies cleared and there was light.

The owner's new car.

2006-11-16T13:21:00.000-08:00

He lives in Europe, but he's here about 2 weeks out of the year so he needs a little car to drive around while he's here.

Politics on Halloween

2006-10-27T14:08:00.000-07:00

I'm reading the book Democracy by Henry Adams. I just read this statement that pretty much sums up my political ideals:

I believe in democracy. I accept it. I will faithfully serve and defend it. I believe in it because it appears to me the inevitable consequence of what has gone before it.

Democracy asserts the fact that the masses are now raised to a higher intelligence than formerly. All our civilization aims at this mark. We want to do what we can to help it. I myself want to see the result. I grant it is an experiment, but it is the only direction society can take that is worth its taking; the only conception of its duty large enough to satisfy its instincts; the only result that is worth an effort or a risk. Every other possible step is backward, and I do not care to repeat the past.

Harmless phrases that really aren't so harmless.

2006-10-25T15:39:00.000-07:00

So today, a girl at work was talking about a wedding reception that she has to go to this weekend that is on the very outside edge of town. "It's clear out in BFE," she said. Everyone chuckled except my boss who asked "What does that mean? What does BFE stand for?"

Uh....

The girl who said it asked "You don't know what BFE means?"

"No, what does it mean?"

Here's where everyone started to slowly slink away. Someone told her to ask her teenage daughter. I was worried she'd go up to every employee and ask them what it meant so I told her "You probably don't want to ask people what it means. Forget you ever heard it!" I was kind of wishing I had pretended I don't know what it means.

Another thing I stole from someone else's blog.

2006-10-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

This is a great little game.

This is my suit. Color it gray or I will lose my job.

2006-10-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

Mr. Nosker, Executive Director of the American Indian Christian Mission sent out this letter recently:

“As you may know, the primary language spoken in the homes of our students is either Navajo or Apache. English is a second language for most of our kids and this makes for some very interesting conversations. Today, Malissa checked two little girls out of their dorm and took them to eat in a newly opened Asian food restaurant. Upon their return, I flagged them down and asked the girls where they had been. The girls informed me that they had eaten “China food” and had learned how to eat with “chapsticks”.

They further informed me that tomorrow they intended to eat breakfast with their “chapsticks”. The immediate mental image of a child using a Chapstick as an eating utensil is unusual to say the least. Personally, I am looking forward to tomorrow morning and seeing how well the girls progress in consuming their oatmeal. Hopefully the oatmeal will be lumpy.”

First of all, who likes lumpy oatmeal? Please stop torturing the children!

Second, Mr. Nosker this is you. Let’s have no more making fun of these kids for their language mistakes.

You, too.

2006-10-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

When I say to you, "Have a good day" the correct response is not "I will."

The past is coming back to haunt me.

2006-10-10T14:55:00.000-07:00

My old boss called me today. Twice. I didn't answer. We parted on good terms, but then he found my old blog a few days after I quit. It didn't paint a very pretty picture of him, and he was none too pleased. If you read any of it you will see why it was quite awkward when he called and asked me to delete it.

It had been awhile since I used that blog, and I couldn't delete it because I no longer remembered the password and the email address had been deleted that I would need in order to retrieve that password (stupid hotmail!)

So, as you will notice, I created a post entitled "This blog has been deleted" hoping that would make him think it was actually deleted, which of course it hadn't been. I couldn't post on it anymore, since I didn't have the password but the archives are all still there. It seemed to appease him, as it has been over a year since I've heard from him.

I've kept in touch with one of the attornies at that office, and have found out that everyone has now quit and the bossman (Grand Poobah Boss) is on his own again. If I had to guess, I would guess that these phone calls are related to that blog. He's found it again and wants revenge. I'm a little scared.

*** Update: make that 3 times. He still hasn't left a message. I'm a little creeped out.

Guess Who?

2006-10-03T16:39:00.000-07:00

How many of these people can you identify from their picture?

Slavery vs. The Holocaust

2006-10-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

Did I just tell you that I think your job is boring?

2006-09-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

Me: So Janet quit, eh?

Co-worker: Yes. She said it's not a good fit for her. I think it wasn't as exciting as she expected.

Me: She's an accountant. How exciting does she expect it to be?

Co-worker: ....

Yes, this particular co-worker is also an accountant.

Deal Breakers

2006-09-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

This is hilarious. My favorite so far:

Deal Breaker: She ate a 5-stack of pancakes at IHOP (and syrup) with her bare hands. Looked like she was trying to eat a hamburger.

There are 390 comments so it may take me awhile to chew through them. Rather than being commenter #391 I thought I'd post mine here:

1. He invited me to an Olympic event in Salt Lake City and then took a girl from work without calling me. I waited for him to pick me up much longer than I should have.

2. He told me he knew that one day we’d get married. We’d never even been on a date.

3. He wore a blue Star Wars backpack every day. (No, I wasn't in elementary school - this was while we were both in college). He now wears a pink fanny pack every day.

You can't make this stuff up.

UPDATE: I had to add this just because it made me laugh out loud... one girl wrote that she received a letter that said this:

"I am writing to tell you that back in 1978 at your mothers house in MA; when you asked me if I liked Dolly Parton, I answered: "NO" I am writing to tell you that I lied, I do like Dolly Parton... I repent. Also when I told you once that I applied milk & honey to the ground to make oxygen,you said it was strange, so I later told you that it was silly to do, I dont think it is silly now. I applied milk & honey to the ground to make the oxygen so I could BREATHE...I repent...."

Oh. My.

Don't miss this show!

2006-09-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

The gold pants lady is going to be here this Friday night. Not to be missed!

Politics and Pancakes

2006-09-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

I just stumbled across this diagram.

I've never seen a liberal's viewpoint laid out quite like this. It is intriguing to me to see a person's view of themselves as well as their view of those who are not like them. My personal opinion is that the person who made this diagram does not understand the political right, but only defines it as the polar opposite of everything he/she believes the left to be.

This is why I love Mexico.

2006-09-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

Everyone at work has been wanting details of my illness - what exactly was wrong and such. Some illnesses are a little more awkward to discuss than others, so I found it easiest to say "It was like I was returning from a trip to Mexico."

Enough said.

This is what I like to call "Further Notice".

2006-09-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

I'm no longer sick. It was definitely food poisoning, but I don't think it was caused by spinach or any variety thereof. But I could be wrong.

Malade.

2006-09-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

Until further notice, I'm sick.

Awkward moment.

2006-09-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

As I walk up, this conversation is in full swing.

Coworker #1: So now that she's engaged, I think she's going to move in with her fiance.

Coworker #2: Oh, that's a good idea.

Coworker #1: Yeah, I lived with my husband before we were married and it really helped us. I think it's wise.

Coworker #2: Definitely. What do you think (INSERT MY NAME HERE)? Did you live with your husband before you got married?

Me: AWKWARD NEGATION OF THEIR OPINIONS

To all the jobs I've worked before...

2006-09-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

The dentist's assistant yesterday morning mentioned that she works two other jobs besides her full time one at the dentist's office. It brought back flashbacks of all the jobs I've worked, often up to 3 at a time. Today is a day for making lists.

1. Babysitting
2. Pine tree field laborer
3. On a combine in a potatoe field
4. Fresh Pak
5. Copy editor at The Jefferson Star newspaper
6. Burger King (I thought about leaving some of these out...)
7. Cleaning crew at BYU (working from midnight to 4 a.m. due to class schedule.)
8. Receptionist at BYU - MCKB
9. 49er Inn, Jackson Wyoming
10. Sirk Shirts, Jackson Wyoming
11. Million Dollar Cowboy Bar gift shop, Jackson Wyoming (these 3 were simultaneous)
12. Floor rep at Gart Sports
13. Pizza Hut
14. Cashier at Gart Sports (13-14 were simultaneous WHILE I was a full time student)
15. Sconecutter
16. Crest, a Sinclair gas station by BYU
17. Sear's Telecenter (15, 16 & 17 were simultaneous)
18. Nanny in Belgium
19. Fairfax vacuums (phone center and then "marketing")
20. Café Rio - cashier and then manager
21. Dean of Religion office at BYU - receptionist
22. Faculty Support Center - JSB, BYU
23. Professor's Assistant - JSB, BYU
24. Artist's assistant
25. Teacher's assistant at Montessori school
26. Office administrator at law office
27. My current job

Wow. 27. It looks like a lot more written out. Definitely the type of thing that is better posted on an anonymous blog.

18" biceps

2006-09-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

One of my cousins is a very big guy. He was offered a scholarship to play football for several different colleges, but decided to serve a mission for the LDS church instead. He is now in Barcelona, Spain. I just read an email he sent to the family and he said there were some weights in his last apartment, so he's been able to get his bicep up to 18".

18".

That seems really gigantically large to me.

I think my husband should learn this song.

2006-09-11T09:16:00.000-07:00

And play it for me every night.

UBC numa numa

2006-09-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm surrounded by cockroaches.

2006-09-07T11:59:00.000-07:00

Literally. They've sprayed several times here at work but I still see them - in the sink drain the other day, about every other day in the restrooms, and today in the women's locker room of the fitness center. I still inform management every time, but now they just tell me, "They've sprayed, and now the bugs are coming out to die."

We also get scorpions. And spiders. And as soon as they start developing the land next to us for the Ritz Carlton that's going in, it will be even worse. I may have to start keeping my shoes on when I'm at my desk rather than kicking them off and sitting cross-legged on my chair (I would've said Indian Style but that's a racial slur I guess).

Metaphor of the Day

2006-09-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

Referring to Yankee fans and Red Sox fans:

"It's kind of like the KKK and black people. They just don't get along".

He looked like a nice little old guy

2006-09-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

and it was pouring so when he pulled over and asked if I needed a ride, I thanked him and got in. His English was nearly flawless. I was getting used to this, since it seemed that everyone in Scandinavia spoke English. I asked if there were any hostels in the town, and he said no but there was an inexpensive hotel not far. He dropped me off there and I got a room for the night.

I had one $50 traveler's check that I had been keeping in case of an emergency. The room that night cost me most of it. But it wasn't that easy. In the morning, when I went to check out, the woman informed me she doesn't accept traveler's checks and that I'd need to cash it at the bank and come back. She said that no banks in Vaasa were open on Saturday, so I'd have to go to Helsinki to cash it. I had nothing to leave as collaterol so she just had to trust me to come back and pay her for the room.

I took the train to Helsinki and cashed the check. I thought about having money wired from home since I now had no emergency funds, but I decided against it. I had been doing fine so far and it was an adventure to see how long I could last on so little money. The next day, after paying for the room, I took the ferry back to Sweden.

I headed to Norway and after my visit there, I took a train to Denmark. Imagine my surprise when the train drove right onto a boat - a ferry much bigger than the others I'd taken. They let us off the train and I went up onto the deck. It was dark - about 11 p.m. We were informed that we'd need to board the train by 1 a.m., as that is when the train would disembark and continue on its way. After exploring the boat and wandering around awhile, I went into a small theater on the boat and started watching the movie there.

The next thing I knew, a man was shaking me awake and saying "Are you one of the train passengers? Your train is leaving!" In a panic, I ran down to where the train was. The doors were just closing. I ran toward the front of the train and nearly ran into an official, who opened a door and let me on the train.

And thus ends my Scandinavian adventure. It was really fun to be living on nothing and traveling alone, but if I ever go back I think I'll do it a little differently.

Today I'm a felon.

2006-08-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

I found out that the company I work for doesn't pay a flat fee for internet service, so over the course of a year I have inadvertently been costing them thousands of dollars by leaving the internet up all day. Even when I'm not using it and when I'm not even at my desk, I usually have a news website up as well as one streaming music.

I was informed of the amount of money I have cost the company, and it was hinted that they are "looking into it" which means they might press charges and send me to jail. Or at least make me pay the money back. I was, of course, told that I can't use the internet anymore. I explained to my boss that I have quite a bit of down time during the day and asked if there are any supplemental projects I could be given. She led me back toward a custodial closet containing mops and brooms and cleaning supplies.

Then I woke up. It probably tipped you off when I said we don't pay a flat fee. Who doesn't pay a flat fee for internet anymore? Or maybe it was the fact that I am using the internet right now, as we speak.

I think it was sparked by having to clean out the liquor cabinet yesterday. This was like one of those dreams where you die or someone you love dies and when you wake up you get this feeling of "I'm SO glad that was just a dream!" Because seriously, without internet access at work, I would lose the will to live.

Today I'm an alcoholic.

2006-08-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

This morning when I got to work the cupboard where they keep the alcohol was empty and its contents were all on the table. It appeared as though something had spilled in the cupboard and whoever found it had removed all the bottles and cans, but left the mess for "someone else" to clean up. That "someone else" usually ends up being me so I proceeded to scrub out the cupboard.

Now, everyone knows where the alcohol is kept so they all knew which cupboard I was in. It was early in the morning, so everyone was coming in and out to get their coffee. I am not exaggerating when I say EVERY ONE OF THEM made some form of the comment "So it looks like you're an alcoholic, eh?" I think I heard "It's a little early, isn't it?" and "Hey, save some for the rest of us!" One person even started singing when they saw the bottle of Jack Daniels on the table. They pulled a Diet Coke out of the fridge and started singing "Little ditty, about Jack and Diet. Two American kids growin up in the heartland."

Gotta love John Mellencamp.

One night in Finland.

2006-08-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

I had taken a ferry from Umea, Sweden to Vaasa, Finland. I could've taken the ferry from Stockholm to Helsinki, but I didn't want to pay for the upgrade, so I took the free train up to the free ferry that were both covered by my Eurorail pass. On the free ferry there was a free movie and it was even in English. It was City of Angels and though it was pretty lame, I've never enjoyed a movie more.

I had been living for a month in Europe on about $2 a day which all went to food and occasionally a museum, but never to movies. Each night I would pick a destination about 8 hours from where I was and sleep on the train, because I didn't even have enough money to pay for a bed in a hostel. So if I was in Spain I would sleep all the way to Denmark, and if I was in Norway I would take a train down to Italy and it just all worked out splendidly until one night in Finland.

The ferry arrived around 9 p.m. and according to my train schedule, a train left at 10:00 p.m. for the far extremity of Finland and would arrive the next morning. At the train station, everyone but me got on a train headed to Helsinki and not long after, they turned off the lights and closed the station. Little did I know that the train I had picked out wasn't running that night.

I had one traveler's check left that I had been saving for an emergency. They wouldn't let me stay in the train station, so I left and started walking the dark streets. Just when I was thinking about sleeping on a park bench somewhere, it started raining. Then it started pouring.

To be continued...

How do you spell subpoena?

2006-08-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

I had to google it to make sure I was spelling it right.

So a very large man just came into our office and said "I'm a clerk of the court and I have a subpoena for someone in your office." My first thought was "They've found me. I don't know how, but they've found me," as I thought of all the unpaid photo radar tickets (one, possibly two) that collections agencies are hunting me down for as we speak. My second thought was "How do you spell subpoena?"

My fears were soon allayed when the very large man gave the name of the person he was looking for. I then wondered what to do. Cooperate? Play stupid? Say "I've never heard of that person."? I went back and found out he wasn't here anyway so it didn't matter and then had the office manager take care of it. I asked her what I should do in the future and she said "Are you kidding me? Did you see the size of that guy? Just cooperate with him." She's right. He could totally squash me with his thumb.

In other news, a guy just called on the phone and we had the following conversation:

Him: "Aye kimono?"

Me: "I'm sorry?"

Him: "Is Ike Kimball there?"

Me: "Ah... no."

My job would be way more fun if Dwight worked here.

2006-08-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

This is hilarious.

$5 pizza or $35 curry

2006-08-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

Last night we chose the $35 curry at our favorite Indian restaurant. We regretted it once we got the bill, but it was worth it. I love Indian food. And Thai food. It's so much more flavorful. I like it spicy, but not so spicy that I can't close my mouth for longer than 5 seconds before my eyes start watering.

There's a Little Caesar's by our house that has Hot 'n Ready pizzas for $5 - available for pick up anytime. Pizza doesn't take all that much less time to make since they can make a huge pot of the curry to just dish up all day. Also, pizza probably costs about as much to make as your average Thai or Indian dish. In a perfect world, there'd be an Indian restaurant right by our house that has Hot 'n Ready curry for $5. If you know of such a place, let me know and I will sample it and quite possibly sell my house and move in order to be closer to it.

We recently discovered a Pakistani restaurant not far from where we live. The telltale sign it's a good restaurant - when we walked in, it was full of customers who were all middle Eastern. I would say that they were Pakistani, but how would I know that? For all I know, they were all from Iran. Or maybe India, even.

This reminds me of a story. When I was about 7 months pregnant, my husband and I took a tour of the birthing center where I would deliver. There were about 8 couples taking the tour. Toward the end of the tour, the guide mentioned that meals would be provided for the mother, but not for anyone else. She mentioned a few restaurants that were close by, and one of the couples, who looked Slavic - they may have been Russian, spoke up and said "There's a very good Indian restaurant down the road." (The same one we went to last night, actually). The tour guide said, "Oh, is that yours?" They looked at her, puzzled, as did the rest of us. Had she just asked if they owned the restaurant? Did she think they were Indian? After an awkward silence, the tour moved on to the recovery rooms.

Moral of the story: Don't assume someone is Pakistani just because they are eating in a Pakistani restaurant.

One of the many

2006-08-22T14:36:00.000-07:00

I was reading Fyodor Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment when I watched Woody Allen's Match Point. What are the odds? How many people who watched that movie had even read Crime and Punishment? I guess you could wonder the opposite, too - how many people who've read Crime and Punishment have/will ever see Match Point? I think the odds are pretty slim. It's much more likely that a buttered piece of toast will land face down when dropped on the carpet. It's much more likely that anyone reading this both hasn't/will never read the book and hasn't/will never see the movie.

Being one of the many, you are probably wondering why it matters at all. Well, I'll tell you. The movie Match Point doesn't really mean anything unless you've read Crime and Punishment. If you have read it, all of a sudden it's a pretty deep-thinking parallel and comparing the similarities and differences is very interesting. If you don't like philosophical books or movies, I wouldn't recommend either.

I would, however recommend War and Peace. It was very different than I expected, and I really liked it. The book, I mean, not the movie if there even is one.

Anonymity comes at a price.

2006-08-17T16:02:00.000-07:00

And that price is 2 separate logins.